As you may or may not know, Thursday, August 22 was a very important day in the world– it was my star birthday. That means I turned 22 on the 22nd. It was a mixed day, with both highs and lows, as most days are, but it was still special and still lovely, and in honor, I am going to share with you an outline of what crazy cat ladies might do on their big day. I’m sure you’re just perishing with anticipation.
Now, I know what you’re thinking– a crazy cat lady on her birthday?! I bet she really gets caaaa-razy!
Cat hair is lonely people glitter, you know.
Ah, but Readers, read on. The birthday of a crazy cat lady is more glamourous than you would ever guess.
Boots and Cats officially presents: THINGS CRAZY CAT LADIES DO ON THEIR BIRTHDAYS
Warning: Gratuitous photos of cats ahead.
1. Wake up voluntarily at 8am since you got sick the night before and fell asleep just barely after midnight, voluntarily stay awake, nearly die of shock, and then have a bowl of Lucky Charms.
Literally me as I get up at 8am on my birthday.
2. CAT TIME.
Petting headless cats.
And then resurrecting said headless cat with crazy cat lady magic.
3. Take a cat break to check your phone and brood over the fact that nothing interesting ever happened on your birthday.
What even is a zombie computer? Why is this relevant?
4. Notice your cat sleeping next to you, and decide it’s time for some CAT SELFIEZZZ.
I don’t know what this means but it’s in a song called Glamorous and she’s holding champagne so I’m going with it.
5. CRY WITH GRATITUDE BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE BEST FRIENDS EVER.
Day = made. (Note the cat lady reference… she knows me so well.)
6. Fall asleep and cat nap until your dad calls you to say he’s on the way home from work and you panickedly jump up and frantically start getting ready.
“MUST PUT MAKEUP ON”
7. Send some Snapchats after you get ready so everyone can see how good you look on your birthday.
8. Have some delicious Thai food for lunch with your dad, and finally order a coconut ice cream with sticky rice WHOLLY FOR YOURSELF.
YOU DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW DELICIOUS THIS IS…
BUT I DID.
9. Head to Best Buy to look at Kindles since the screen on your old, basic one broke; realize they don’t sell basic Kindles anymore and you don’t want a new, fancy one so you make your dad go into Petsmart next door so you can look at the KITTIEZZZ.
THIS KITTEN WAS NAMED MEOWLEXANDER, THIS IS THE BEST CAT NAME EVER.
10. Head to Academy so you can get a new soccer ball; get a bonus Blake Griffin OU jersey for $10, and THEN you see a lady in Academy with a live monkey on her shoulder, complete with a little leash and diaper.
Here is a picture of Blake Griffin at OU, because I couldn’t be bothered to take a picture of my soccer ball, my new shirt, or the lady with the monkey. What do you want from me, it’s not like I’m getting paid to do this.
11. Head home and open your present from your sister.
Just a note, my sister found this card months ago while I was with her, and I told her to buy it anyway.
Immediately after I opened this, my sister told me she needed to use the shaving cream and the soap.
12. Hang out with your cat a little more, ensuring that you are properly covered in cat hair.
13. Take pictures for your bargain fashion blog (feel free to go check out the post).
14. Spend some more quality time with your cat.
How do other people deal with the fact that they don’t have the cutest cat in the world?
HE REALLY IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE GUYS
15. Decide to change and then head to Red Lobster for dinner with your fam.
16. Stuff your gullet while pausing occasionally for pictures.
My sissyyy :)
17. Begin getting very, very ill and desperate to go home.
Can you see it? Can you see that I already am looking a little green and miserable?
18. Rush home and into the bathroom.
19. End up crying in the shower because you got sick on your birthday.
“IT’S NOT FAAAIR… AND WHERE DID MY HAIR GO???”
20. Collapse pitifully on the couch and be comforted by your cat.
Just a sidenote, my cat is seriously like half my length.
21. Open your present from your mom.
“I’m so siiick, life is so cruuuel, I– IS THAT AN OWL PURSE?!”
22. Count the day a success.