NOT OKCupid and PlentyOfFish (ButNoneYouWant)

Hi guysss.
As is very evident if you read my blog, I am the definition of perpetually single. When I was younger, especially in college, this was something that was really tough for me, because I felt like there was something WRONG with me. But thankfully, college was an enormous character building experience and coming out of it I really kind of figured myself out and became comfortable in my own skin.
This recently led me to the decision that since I was finally happy with myself, it might finally be a good time to start looking for someone else to be happy with. And that was how I stumbled innocently, naively, into the world of online dating apps.
I documented my rather interesting experiences with Tinder, the first app I tried last summer. But things just never quite clicked for me and eventually I gave up on it.
I had essentially quit my pursuit of dating, but this fall, as something of a lark, a couple of my coworkers signed me up for OKCupid. And so I was sucked back into the wild world of electronic courting.
I started out, as I mentioned, with OKCupid. I liked it a million times better than Tinder, because you actually answer tons of questions about yourself and you can see what people you’re potentially interested in have answered to those questions. So, I can see if guys smoke or are against gay marriage or are virulently conservative or if they’re into threesomes, and I can harshly, harshly judge and reject them. It’s really quite fabulous.
And, shock of all shocks, I actually went on dates with TWO different guys I met on OKCupid (and naturally, because my life stubbornly remains a cosmic joke at all times, they both had the same name. Like, the same first name. And like, one guy’s middle name was THE SAME as the other guy’s last name. God). It didn’t work out with either, but the experience really wasn’t that unpleasant. I was slightly reassured that maybe, just maybe, online dating could work.
But after the first two guys, things seemed to go downhill. As always seems to be the inevitable rule, if I was interested in a guy and liked them, they never were interested back. If I looked at a guy and had no interest, naturally that guy would send me a message. It was all very disheartening and reminded me of my tragic youth where the guys I liked never liked me back (SOB).
I was starting to give up on the whole thing–eventually scrolling through endless profiles of guys just made me tired. What were the odds I’d find the guy who was right for me here? It seemed essentially impossible. I started to think that I was honestly just too used to being single, and deep down I didn’t even want to date.
I basically quit looking at the website, as the whole thing just started to get kind of stupid and I felt like I’d seen EVERY. GUY. and none of them were right.

So, naturally, I signed up for another dating app called Plenty of Fish.

At first, it was actually pretty exciting. There were tons of cute new guys who sounded appealing, and my irrepressibly optimistic, hopelessly romantic heart thought, “HE’S GOT TO BE HERE!”
Sigh.
Readers, let me tell you something. I just don’t think he is there.
Come along with me as I lead you down the magical and always delightful (HEAVY SARCASM) paths of online dating.
First, I will include a selection of my very favorite messages I’ve received. Enjoy.

“You into black guys??”
I’m just into guys??

“Hey, kind of off the wall question lol but would you be into having a threesome with two guys?”
LOL THREESOMES, A LITTLE OFF THE WALL AMIRITE?! Though you do get some points for giving me details, it’s nice to know just what kind of threesome I’m being propositioned for.

“Let me unsingle you girl ;) lol”
;)

“Hello Sarah, okcupid sent me in your direction and I’m glad they did.”
Too bad OKCupid couldn’t send you in the direction of spelling my name correctly, even though it’s right there on my profile.

“Would you dat a black guy just asking no disrespect”
Okay, 1. What is “dat”? 2. Why would this be disrespectful to me?!

“Hey I’m looking for a sugar baby. I own my own business and would love to take care of a good looking girl like yourself. If this interests you let me know.”
My personal favorite. I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t consider this. The older I get, the better a sugar daddy sounds.

“Pics”
Of what? My cats? Because that’s about all I’ve got pics of.

“Hey sweetheart how are you”
Hey sweetheart, good thing I’m like three years older than you, you patronizing little twit.

“heyyy are you single?”
Oh, dear lord.

And, the BEST of all:
“sorry you’re still single. i cant help with that with my current situation but if you’re crazy enough to come to okc and get some head then im your dude haha”
So. Many. Questions. Like, what is wrong with you?

One of my favorite things about online dating, aside from the completely inappropriate propositioning of my person and lack of any recognizable grammar, is looking at the profile pictures guys select and wondering just what in the hell they were thinking when they did so. I suppose at heart I’m a horrible, awful person but I take so much joy in looking through a guy’s pictures and judging them cruelly. I’m sure there are guys who think the same about my pictures, but thankfully I remain blissfully ignorant of them.
I was deeply tempted to post all the screenshots of the really, really SPECIAL ones I’ve seen, but that seems just a touch too personal and mean-spirited. So instead, I’ve created a compilation of some of the most common types of profile pictures I see, performed by yours truly.
They are as follows:

The WAAAY Too Close-Up
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I’m not sure where any human being could get the idea that the closer to your face one gets, the hotter it is. Someone needs to show these guys a few Monet paintings. I’ve seriously seen so many pictures where the camera was so close to the taker’s face that I couldn’t even tell what his hair looked like. Literally the ONLY excuse for that is if you have T-Rex arms.

The Bathroom Selfie with Tons of Crap in the Background

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Not only do I get to see your best selfie pose, I also get to see every product you use in your shower routine as well as every single thing on your bathroom counter. This particular type is also at times taken in front of a closet, complete with random hangers and piles of clothes. The two are interchangeable, though the bathroom is by far the most prevalent.

The Shirtless, Pensive Romantic in Bed 

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This is a particular favorite of mine and one of the most common. These seem to be some kind of attempt to show a softer, more intimate side of the guy, because everyone knows that’s only accomplishable in bed. Most often it is accompanied by a dreamy look, sometimes with the subject gazing at a point just out of focus beyond the camera. Bonus points if a hand is put to the face with the eyes peeking up at you as though overcome with shyness.

The I Don’t Realize I’m Supposed to Look at the Mirror and Not My Phone Screen Selfie

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Though this type isn’t always taken in a bathroom, that is a frequent setting. Other acceptable locales include the gym, dressing rooms, or other public bathrooms. This particular guy seems unable to overcome the challenges of technology and optics in order to realize that, while it is a good idea to check your selfie on your phone screen, you need to actually look up in order to take a picture of your own face.

The I Kill Animals So I’m a REAL Man

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Maybe this is just a Southern thing, but the number of times my eyes have been assaulted by a grinning, self-satisfied fellow posing jauntily next to a dead or a large number of dead animals is really depressing. Nothing screams romance like the sight of blood and gore and death! Am I supposed to be impressed because you went into the woods and shot a defenseless animal with your high powered rifle? Sadly, I seem to be in the minority in Oklahoma, but I am so sick of dead deer and ducks popping up in my face with blood leaking from their mouths. There’s even a guy on there posing next to a dead zebra. A DAMN ZEBRA. I guess this is supposed to show me that you, the big he-man, can provide for me, the little female. Talk about caveman mentality… I’m by no means claiming that I’m a saint and that I don’t eat meat, because I do, but I don’t go sneaking up on animals and blowing a hole in them before posing triumphantly with my grisly trophy. Even if you are hunting simply to feed yourself, doesn’t it seem just a trifle disrespectful and hateful to paparazzi the poor, dead animal like you’ve done something SO AMAZING? Ugh. Thanks, but NO thanks.

The I’ve Got A Little Free Time In My Giant Truck

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I’m not really sure what the deal with this is, but I’ve noticed a strange but overwhelming phenomenon where guys take selfies in their vehicle, which is almost invariably a truck. Like, what’s going on? You’re just on your lunchbreak and you’ve finished eating and you think, Well shoot, I’ve got a little more time before I have to clock back in, might as well take some photos of my face?
Sometimes, I can’t tell if they’re actually parked or not, and then I have terrifying images of single guys swerving between lanes as they snap pics of themselves for their dating profile.

The I HAVE ABS NOTHING ELSE IN THE WORD MATTERS LOOK AT THEM

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I AM NOT EVEN A NORMAL HUMAN, I CONSIST OF NOTHING BUT PERFECT, BREATHTAKING, SIXTEEN PACK ABS. THAT IS LITERALLY ALL I AM, CHOOSE ME AND YOU ENTER INTO A RELATIONSHIP WITH A DISEMBODIED, FLOATING WASHBOARD OF MUSCLE.

There are, of course, variations and there are even some nice guys who don’t seem to have any of these in the repertoire. But unfortunately, those guys seem to be the minority. Perhaps you’ve now gained some idea of why online dating is so very treacherous. For now, I’ll keep giving it a chance, and hopefully I’ll come away with some more good stuff for you guys, if nothing else. Stay tuned as I continue my search to find someone who could possibly live up to my true love, Steven Adams.

So, for my final thought– I used to think there was something wrong with me because I was single. Now I’m starting to think that maybe I’m doing something very, very right by staying single.

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5 Boys I Would Totally Be a Cougar For

Well helloooo, August.
Most people regard the arrival of August with horror and panic, because it generally means they will be shortly returning to school. Now, I’ve never loved to go back to school, but I have always welcomed August because it is my birth month. So when August 1st rolls around every year, I’m still pleasantly excited. Fun fact: every month on the first, I always say “Rabbit, rabbit” at some point during the day because when I was a little kid I loved these books called The Babysitter’s Little Sister series, and in one book the heroine of the series, Karen, talks about how she always does that every month for some reason that I don’t remember, and for some reason as a 21 year old I still continue to do this. 

Karen and I had a lot in common.

Now, you may not know this, but this birthday is going to be my STAR birthday. As I learned from all the kids in my class at the daycare I used to work at, your star birthday is when the date you were born on corresponds with your age. So on August 22, I will be 22, and that makes it my star birthday. It also means I feel really old. I am also beginning to notice an alarming phenomenon– more and more often I’ll casually think a guy is attractive, before I realize that they look younger than me. “Oh god,” I think to myself. “They’re probably underclassmen in college! Or…. in high school.” It’s really uncomfortable when you reach this stage in your life:

Sigh

I have always been vaguely horrified by the idea of dating guys younger than me (ironic, because my last boyfriend was almost two years younger than me, but ahhh, the folly of youth). And with the invention of the whole “cougar” persona, I have become even more convinced that a guy being younger than me is not gonna fly.

Other dealbreakers– not liking cats or soccer, because that is like 60% of my conversation.

However, as time has passed, I seem to be getting older, strangely enough. And yet every year there are just crops of hot guys who never seem to age. This was a hell I never dreamed of when I was younger, because I don’t dream up cruel and unusual punishments for poor, aging, single girls who enjoy a little casual, innocent creeping on cute guys. I have also noticed that this seems to be a particular problem when it comes to celebrities. I don’t know how many times I’ve watched a movie or a TV show and thought a guy was super attractive, only to discover from a little Wikicreeping that he is, in fact, younger than me (GETTIN’ REEEAL TIRED OF YOUR NONSENSE, HOLLYWOOD).
The biggest problem is that sometimes you stumble upon a guy so wonderful, so attractive, that you just can’t ignore them. Even I, with all my determination not to prey on the younger men, am not immune. And so, for your consideration, I submit to you 5 boys I would happily become a cougar for.
Just a note– this list only works if you are my age or older. Just so you know.

1. DAMIAN MCGINTY

Oh, Damo.

I am starting with the guy who broke the cougar’s back. I first fell madly in love with Damian McGinty on the first season of The Glee Project– and let me just say that if you also watched the first season of The Glee Project and you don’t also love Damo then YOU HAVE NO SOUL AT ALL.

YOU IF YOU DIDN’T LIKE DAMIAN ON TGP.

On reality TV, people tend to display the worst characteristics of human nature. Turn it into a competition and add a bunch of teenagers trying to get famous, then IT. GETS. REAL. But over that entire season, no matter what people said or did to him, Damian remained sweet, humble, positive, and always kind. After extensive and intense creeping of him, I have determined that Damian McGinty is the nicest guy ever. And as you might have guessed, since he was on a competition for singing, the boy is an absolutely fabulous singer. Like, swoon-worthy. Like, so good they broke the rules of the competition so he could be a co-winner and get to be on Glee (though I can’t speak of how awfully he was treated on that show– an absolute travesty is what it was). This is a terrible quality video but you can get an idea of just how fabulous he is here at this link.  And he just gets better– kid loves soccer. I mean, he’s from the UK so no surprise there. Oh, yeah, did I mention that? Damian is from Northern Ireland, so he HAS AN IRISH ACCENT.

Luckily Damian fulfills all of these requirements.

Damian has also used his fame to start his own recording studio in his hometown to give local singers who otherwise would probably never have a chance a shot at a recording deal. He’s also well-known for being incredibly kind and friendly to any fans he meets. Confession: Damian McGinty is the only celebrity I have ever written a fan letter to, and I AM NOT ASHAMED. That’s right, at the age of 19 I bought extra stamps in order to send a fan letter to him in Ireland. Hate on me, haters. Someday, when Damian and I are happily together, we will laugh about that.

While I am appropriately wearing this shirt.

So if you’re not on the Damian McGinty train, then shame on you. Damian McGinty is the one who taught me that cougin’ is a slippery slope, and he is the reason that there are four more boys on this list.

A big cougar pounce on you, Damian McGinty.


2. JOSH HUTCHERSON

Hiiiiii.

I mean, first of all, just look at him. On a superficial level, you just don’t get much better. But Josh Hutcherson is not just a gorgeous, drool-worthy, handsome face– he also is an awesome person. He plays what is possibly my favorite literary character of all time in the Hunger Games movies, and I think he does a superb job of doing so. There’s no one else I would want to play my beloved Peeta. Josh also loves soccer- I totally watched an interview where he said that if he wasn’t an actor he would want to be playing soccer (PERFECT). He also is involved with a lot of charity work and organizations like Straight But Not Narrow. So rock on, Josh. And even if you are younger than me, I am totally available if things don’t work out with your new lady.

A big cougar growl for you, Josh.


3. PARKER SCHNABEL

Awww, Parker.

I have mentioned in one of my posts before my large and unfortunate crush on Parker. He is one of the stars of the show Gold Rush, and he is ridiculously adorable. But I don’t just crush on Parker for that cute baby-face– I crush on Parker because he took over running a gold mine when he was 17. That’s right. SEVENTEEN. How many other boys do you know that had the maturity to run a freaking gold mine when they were 17? I like to tell myself that Parker is obviously very mature for his age, and it doesn’t matter that he’s only like 18 and I’m about to be 22. It’s totally fine. Parker took over running the gold mine from his then 91 year old grandfather, and their relationship is almost as precious as Parker’s adorable face. I love a man that’s close to his family, and Parker clearly adores his grandfather on the show.

SOOO SWEEEET

So shoutout to you, Parker Schnabel. You are probably the only person I wouldn’t mind taking the name Schnabel for. Also, having a gold mine in the family would be pretty freaking sweet.

Cougars love a man who works hard, Parker Schnabel.

4. & 5. JACK AND FINN HARRIES

Ahhh… there’s two of them.

If you have never heard of the Harries twins, then you are so welcome for the gift I’m giving you. These boys are ridiculously attractive, funny, talented, but also socially responsible. They gained their fame through YouTube. One of the twins, Jack, started a YouTube channel called jacksgap that eventually became enormously popular, with his brother Finn eventually becoming more and more involved. The boys have a whole host of videos of them doing anything and everything, from turning their room into a ballpit to bungee jumping naked to visiting underprivileged children on Christmas. The boys have used their newfound fame to become involved in a number of charities and to make videos over different places they have visited to draw awareness to those different causes.

THAT’S RIGHT, MY HEART IS MELTING, I WENT THERE.

They’re goofy and always ready to laugh at themselves, not to mention fantastic dressers, and again, they are British. English accents all around in their videos, guys. Best of all to me, they’re really close to each other, and as my sister is my best friend in the entire world, I totally love that. So I salute you, Jack and Finn Harries. And I would be happy to date either of you.

Seriously, though, they’re like a gift from the Cougar Gods.

So there they are, Readers. My top five boys that I could care less about their age. Sadly, I have a bad feeling there are only more to come. But I’m not embarrassed, and in case any of you boys are reading this and need a little convincing, there are 6 reasons I’d make a really great girlfriend you can take a look at. Maybe if I can manage to snag one of these fine young fellas I can start a whole new kind of Kittycat Club….

Because I am a professional, damnit.

Because I am a professional, damnit.

So I’ll just leave you all with this bit of enticement:

Ball's in your court, gentlemen.

Ball’s in your court, gentlemen.