5 Boys I Would Totally Be a Cougar For

Well helloooo, August.
Most people regard the arrival of August with horror and panic, because it generally means they will be shortly returning to school. Now, I’ve never loved to go back to school, but I have always welcomed August because it is my birth month. So when August 1st rolls around every year, I’m still pleasantly excited. Fun fact: every month on the first, I always say “Rabbit, rabbit” at some point during the day because when I was a little kid I loved these books called The Babysitter’s Little Sister series, and in one book the heroine of the series, Karen, talks about how she always does that every month for some reason that I don’t remember, and for some reason as a 21 year old I still continue to do this. 

Karen and I had a lot in common.

Now, you may not know this, but this birthday is going to be my STAR birthday. As I learned from all the kids in my class at the daycare I used to work at, your star birthday is when the date you were born on corresponds with your age. So on August 22, I will be 22, and that makes it my star birthday. It also means I feel really old. I am also beginning to notice an alarming phenomenon– more and more often I’ll casually think a guy is attractive, before I realize that they look younger than me. “Oh god,” I think to myself. “They’re probably underclassmen in college! Or…. in high school.” It’s really uncomfortable when you reach this stage in your life:

Sigh

I have always been vaguely horrified by the idea of dating guys younger than me (ironic, because my last boyfriend was almost two years younger than me, but ahhh, the folly of youth). And with the invention of the whole “cougar” persona, I have become even more convinced that a guy being younger than me is not gonna fly.

Other dealbreakers– not liking cats or soccer, because that is like 60% of my conversation.

However, as time has passed, I seem to be getting older, strangely enough. And yet every year there are just crops of hot guys who never seem to age. This was a hell I never dreamed of when I was younger, because I don’t dream up cruel and unusual punishments for poor, aging, single girls who enjoy a little casual, innocent creeping on cute guys. I have also noticed that this seems to be a particular problem when it comes to celebrities. I don’t know how many times I’ve watched a movie or a TV show and thought a guy was super attractive, only to discover from a little Wikicreeping that he is, in fact, younger than me (GETTIN’ REEEAL TIRED OF YOUR NONSENSE, HOLLYWOOD).
The biggest problem is that sometimes you stumble upon a guy so wonderful, so attractive, that you just can’t ignore them. Even I, with all my determination not to prey on the younger men, am not immune. And so, for your consideration, I submit to you 5 boys I would happily become a cougar for.
Just a note– this list only works if you are my age or older. Just so you know.

1. DAMIAN MCGINTY

Oh, Damo.

I am starting with the guy who broke the cougar’s back. I first fell madly in love with Damian McGinty on the first season of The Glee Project– and let me just say that if you also watched the first season of The Glee Project and you don’t also love Damo then YOU HAVE NO SOUL AT ALL.

YOU IF YOU DIDN’T LIKE DAMIAN ON TGP.

On reality TV, people tend to display the worst characteristics of human nature. Turn it into a competition and add a bunch of teenagers trying to get famous, then IT. GETS. REAL. But over that entire season, no matter what people said or did to him, Damian remained sweet, humble, positive, and always kind. After extensive and intense creeping of him, I have determined that Damian McGinty is the nicest guy ever. And as you might have guessed, since he was on a competition for singing, the boy is an absolutely fabulous singer. Like, swoon-worthy. Like, so good they broke the rules of the competition so he could be a co-winner and get to be on Glee (though I can’t speak of how awfully he was treated on that show– an absolute travesty is what it was). This is a terrible quality video but you can get an idea of just how fabulous he is here at this link.  And he just gets better– kid loves soccer. I mean, he’s from the UK so no surprise there. Oh, yeah, did I mention that? Damian is from Northern Ireland, so he HAS AN IRISH ACCENT.

Luckily Damian fulfills all of these requirements.

Damian has also used his fame to start his own recording studio in his hometown to give local singers who otherwise would probably never have a chance a shot at a recording deal. He’s also well-known for being incredibly kind and friendly to any fans he meets. Confession: Damian McGinty is the only celebrity I have ever written a fan letter to, and I AM NOT ASHAMED. That’s right, at the age of 19 I bought extra stamps in order to send a fan letter to him in Ireland. Hate on me, haters. Someday, when Damian and I are happily together, we will laugh about that.

While I am appropriately wearing this shirt.

So if you’re not on the Damian McGinty train, then shame on you. Damian McGinty is the one who taught me that cougin’ is a slippery slope, and he is the reason that there are four more boys on this list.

A big cougar pounce on you, Damian McGinty.


2. JOSH HUTCHERSON

Hiiiiii.

I mean, first of all, just look at him. On a superficial level, you just don’t get much better. But Josh Hutcherson is not just a gorgeous, drool-worthy, handsome face– he also is an awesome person. He plays what is possibly my favorite literary character of all time in the Hunger Games movies, and I think he does a superb job of doing so. There’s no one else I would want to play my beloved Peeta. Josh also loves soccer- I totally watched an interview where he said that if he wasn’t an actor he would want to be playing soccer (PERFECT). He also is involved with a lot of charity work and organizations like Straight But Not Narrow. So rock on, Josh. And even if you are younger than me, I am totally available if things don’t work out with your new lady.

A big cougar growl for you, Josh.


3. PARKER SCHNABEL

Awww, Parker.

I have mentioned in one of my posts before my large and unfortunate crush on Parker. He is one of the stars of the show Gold Rush, and he is ridiculously adorable. But I don’t just crush on Parker for that cute baby-face– I crush on Parker because he took over running a gold mine when he was 17. That’s right. SEVENTEEN. How many other boys do you know that had the maturity to run a freaking gold mine when they were 17? I like to tell myself that Parker is obviously very mature for his age, and it doesn’t matter that he’s only like 18 and I’m about to be 22. It’s totally fine. Parker took over running the gold mine from his then 91 year old grandfather, and their relationship is almost as precious as Parker’s adorable face. I love a man that’s close to his family, and Parker clearly adores his grandfather on the show.

SOOO SWEEEET

So shoutout to you, Parker Schnabel. You are probably the only person I wouldn’t mind taking the name Schnabel for. Also, having a gold mine in the family would be pretty freaking sweet.

Cougars love a man who works hard, Parker Schnabel.

4. & 5. JACK AND FINN HARRIES

Ahhh… there’s two of them.

If you have never heard of the Harries twins, then you are so welcome for the gift I’m giving you. These boys are ridiculously attractive, funny, talented, but also socially responsible. They gained their fame through YouTube. One of the twins, Jack, started a YouTube channel called jacksgap that eventually became enormously popular, with his brother Finn eventually becoming more and more involved. The boys have a whole host of videos of them doing anything and everything, from turning their room into a ballpit to bungee jumping naked to visiting underprivileged children on Christmas. The boys have used their newfound fame to become involved in a number of charities and to make videos over different places they have visited to draw awareness to those different causes.

THAT’S RIGHT, MY HEART IS MELTING, I WENT THERE.

They’re goofy and always ready to laugh at themselves, not to mention fantastic dressers, and again, they are British. English accents all around in their videos, guys. Best of all to me, they’re really close to each other, and as my sister is my best friend in the entire world, I totally love that. So I salute you, Jack and Finn Harries. And I would be happy to date either of you.

Seriously, though, they’re like a gift from the Cougar Gods.

So there they are, Readers. My top five boys that I could care less about their age. Sadly, I have a bad feeling there are only more to come. But I’m not embarrassed, and in case any of you boys are reading this and need a little convincing, there are 6 reasons I’d make a really great girlfriend you can take a look at. Maybe if I can manage to snag one of these fine young fellas I can start a whole new kind of Kittycat Club….

Because I am a professional, damnit.

Because I am a professional, damnit.

So I’ll just leave you all with this bit of enticement:

Ball's in your court, gentlemen.

Ball’s in your court, gentlemen.

TV Romances Suck Lately, and My Cat Has a Celebrity Twin on Glee

Woe is me, Dear Readers.
TV romances have really been letting me down lately. I have chosen to pretend that Glee ended on the episode before the last season finale, because I cannot accept that Finn and Rachel aren’t together. That was literally the only thing I asked of that show. I accepted shenanigan after shenanigan (including the shameful neglect of Rory, the character played by the love of my life, Damian McGinty), suffered heartbreak, and watched many episodes in pain because of how disappointed I was with the way the storyline was going. But I still faithfully watched, every week, knowing that eventually Finn and Rachel would work out their differences and live happily every after with each other, because they are clearly meant for each other. I simply could not accept in my mind what came to pass, and I refuse to watch the travesty of whatever Glee is now. In my mind, Glee ended with them winning nationals, with their lives before them, and knowing Finn and Rachel would be facing whatever came together, making each other better.
Then, you have The Office. I would argue that Jim and Pam are one of the greatest, most sweet TV romances of all time. And now suddenly, this is being threatened by a (admittedly hot) soundman. COME ON, OFFICE. You spend how many seasons making everyone fall in love with Jim because he so clearly is in love with Pam, and then you throw this nonsense at us?! Uh uh. I’m not buying it. SO JUST STOP.
As for Downton Abbey, which I mentioned my love for, I recently accidentally came upon an enormous spoiler for all of Season 3 (I’ve only watched Season 1). If you keep up with it, then you know what revelations I was absolutely blind-sided by. My favorite heroine on that show? Sybil, partly because of her fabulous romance with the hot Irish chauffeur, Branson. My favorite hero? Matthew (obviously). I rooted for him and Mary to be together since they first met. Come to think of it, I said the same thing about Sybil and Branson. So much promise in Season 1 of glorious romance… and then I hear about Season 3. If I’d been watching Downton regularly, I would have been destroyed. I could never have watched TV again; I could’ve never trusted another show. I have accepted I can never watch Downton again.
It’s a sad day when my favorite TV romance is on The Middle, between Sue, an incredibly awkward sophomore in high school, and her brother’s friend, a dumb but loveable senior. It’s painfully awkward, but ridiculously sweet. I actually really like Sue, and she kind of reminds me of Edith from Downton Abbey, who I also admittedly like (though I can never watch her again). In fact, I kind of feel like Sue is a kindred spirit, because she had this conversation with her brother, Axl, on the Valentine’s episode of The Middle (I’m really disappointed because I so wanted to find this as a gif but apparently no one has made one of it yet and I emphatically don’t know how, so I apologize)-

Axl: She’s at a wedding…something you’ll never be in. I suggest buying a wacky hat and starting your cat collection now.
Sue: That’s not even an insult. I love cats!

Well said, Sue. Well said. Speaking of middles, today is actually my half birthday. I know that sounds like a silly thing to notice, but it’s just crazy to me that I’ve already been 21 for six months. I’m already halfway to 22. That’s just bewildering. Tuesday also happened to mark the two months until graduation point. I will graduate college in less than two months now. It seems impossible. I feel like if you’re American, for your whole life, as you’re growing up, there’s just certain events you daydream about and imagine, like turning 16 and getting your license, and  then graduating high school and finally being 18. And then, far off in the hazy future, you wonder what it will be like to be 21 and able to drink, and somewhere even more removed, you think of graduating college and a final cessation of school…. forever (unless you’re one of those crazy schmucks who goes to graduate school, of course [that was a joke]). But, for me at least, the thought of actually being done with school was so far away as to be impossible, truthfully. Yet here I am, almost to that very point… and it still seems unfathomable. I simply can’t picture a life where I’m not expected to be in school, much less get a job. I was actually job-hunting today, googling jobs in Oklahoma for English degrees. Nothing was coming up. The top results were national articles optimistically reassuring the reader that jobs for English majors really do exist! Unfortunately, they don’t seem too plentiful near where I live. It’s somewhat disheartening. To cheer myself up, I started thinking about things I might want when my full birthday rolls around, and my sister made an excellent suggestion- The CatGenie. It’s a self-flushing, self-cleaning litterbox. I feel like it’s the Holy Grail for Crazy Cat Ladies. Changing litterboxes is certainly one of the biggest drawbacks about owning a cat for me. I dream of a future filled with both cats and CatGenies; a blissful, furry, stink-free world. I think Sue would approve.
In other TV ramblings, I just watched the season finale of the show Gold Rush (which sucked). I never cared even the slightest bit about that show, but my dad and sister LOVE it. The thing that finally suckered me in was hearing about Parker Schnabel, a boy who took over running his grandfather’s goldmine when he was SIXTEEN. I was blown away by this; how many sixteen year old boys do you know that would be willing to take on that kind of responsibility?! He’s eighteen now, and I have to admit that I have a huge crush on him. I am beyond impressed with his maturity and intelligence, and it doesn’t hurt that he’s absolutely adorable and clearly loves his grandpa. I try to ignore the fact that this is a cougar crush, which is lamentable. Also lamentable is that it takes a guy who starts running a goldmine at sixteen to impress me, because they’re pretty scarce on the ground, especially in Oklahoma. Even I might be able to acknowledge that standards like those might be a touch too high.
For those of you who have never watched any of the shows I’ve been talking about, or only a couple of them, I apologize fervently. This post has probably been pretty useless so far for you.  I will now share something that doesn’t require you to have watched a TV show regularly, and instead requires only that you watch a two minute video. Hopefully this video will make up for those of you unfamiliar with the show I’ve been rambling about, so reading this doesn’t feel like a complete waste of time. To preface, I have to tell you that for some reason, I find goats to be just inherently hilarious. Just looking at a goat makes me giggle a little. Last year, one of my friends showed me a 7 second video of a goat screaming like a man. I thought it was honestly the funniest thing I’d ever seen. Then, recently, I discovered this video and realized I had been completely wrong. It’s just a compilation of goats screaming like humans (some of them are actually sheep, but I find goats funnier so I choose to ignore that they are sheep). You may be hesitant and think this sounds ridiculous, but do yourself a favor and watch it. It is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. I can’t even watch the video if I have to wait for it to load, because I start laughing so hard I don’t even end up being able to see it through the tears. I don’t know if I actually have even seen every actual second of the video; I think there’s still parts I can’t stop laughing long enough to watch.

Well, I feel like this has been one of the most random posts I’ve ever done, so sorry about that. But I’ll share a fun fact to try and loosely tie everything together. I started this post talking about Glee, and I’ll end it that way, like a bizarre, drunken sort of thesis.
Some trivia from my life: my cat, Finn, who I’ve mentioned before, is actually, honest-to-god, named after Finn from Glee. To understand why, you need to see what Finn (aka the actor, Cory Monteith) looks like when he smiles. So for those of you who aren’t familiar with it, observe:

finn (3)

Look at that charming, ridiculously adorable half smile!! I totally fell in love with Finn while watching Glee, largely because of that smile. I have to admit that I really, really love me a crooked, little half-smile (possibly because heroes in novels often have them). But Finn provides a perfect example of one in real-life, human form.
Enter my cat here, who was named Franklin when we adopted him. My mom strongly objected to the name, so we were left trying to find one we could all agree on. It’s not always visible in pictures of him, but Finn (the cat) has a serious snaggletooth. It’s one of the things that made me fall in love with him, too, when I first saw him at Petsmart. It’s very visible in this picture:

2011-12-03_01-37-28_669
It makes for some hilarious pictures of this cat, I tell you, but you’re probably not seeing what this has to do with Finn Hudson’s smile since, you know, he doesn’t have a snaggletooth. But take a look at this picture of Finn (the cat, again):

2011-12-28_15-34-52_376
That’s right, you guys. My cat has a half-smile. It’s pretty much ridiculously adorable. His snagtooth makes his mouth uneven, then he has that tannish patch right above the snaggletooth that makes his mouth look even more uneven, resulting in a charming half-smile, reminiscent of Finn Hudson from Glee. No, but seriously. Compare them side by side:

finn vs finn
You see it, right?! I mean, surely you have to. Their smiles ARE THE SAME. They even hook upwards on the same side, guys. My cat is twins with Finn Hudson. Recognizing this even without helpful side by side comparisons, I pitched the idea of naming the cat Finn to my family, who thought it was hilarious and agreed. And now every time I call my cat’s name, I’m reminded how much TV romance has been determinedly awful lately. Sue from The Middle, I know you love cats, too, but please take pity and go with loving a guy as well- you don’t know how much depends on you. The future of my TV watching may be at stake.

gn21834_1

 

 

Sara

PS My goodbye for today is a cartouche that says “Desperately” in Egyptian hieroglyphics, or at least according to this hieroglyphic generator I used. I chose hieroglyphics because they come, obviously, from ancient Egypt, a country that worshiped cats as divine and had their own cat god. I like to think they would’ve appreciated a CatGenie as much as I would.