5 Boys I Would Totally Be a Cougar For

Well helloooo, August.
Most people regard the arrival of August with horror and panic, because it generally means they will be shortly returning to school. Now, I’ve never loved to go back to school, but I have always welcomed August because it is my birth month. So when August 1st rolls around every year, I’m still pleasantly excited. Fun fact: every month on the first, I always say “Rabbit, rabbit” at some point during the day because when I was a little kid I loved these books called The Babysitter’s Little Sister series, and in one book the heroine of the series, Karen, talks about how she always does that every month for some reason that I don’t remember, and for some reason as a 21 year old I still continue to do this. 

Karen and I had a lot in common.

Now, you may not know this, but this birthday is going to be my STAR birthday. As I learned from all the kids in my class at the daycare I used to work at, your star birthday is when the date you were born on corresponds with your age. So on August 22, I will be 22, and that makes it my star birthday. It also means I feel really old. I am also beginning to notice an alarming phenomenon– more and more often I’ll casually think a guy is attractive, before I realize that they look younger than me. “Oh god,” I think to myself. “They’re probably underclassmen in college! Or…. in high school.” It’s really uncomfortable when you reach this stage in your life:

Sigh

I have always been vaguely horrified by the idea of dating guys younger than me (ironic, because my last boyfriend was almost two years younger than me, but ahhh, the folly of youth). And with the invention of the whole “cougar” persona, I have become even more convinced that a guy being younger than me is not gonna fly.

Other dealbreakers– not liking cats or soccer, because that is like 60% of my conversation.

However, as time has passed, I seem to be getting older, strangely enough. And yet every year there are just crops of hot guys who never seem to age. This was a hell I never dreamed of when I was younger, because I don’t dream up cruel and unusual punishments for poor, aging, single girls who enjoy a little casual, innocent creeping on cute guys. I have also noticed that this seems to be a particular problem when it comes to celebrities. I don’t know how many times I’ve watched a movie or a TV show and thought a guy was super attractive, only to discover from a little Wikicreeping that he is, in fact, younger than me (GETTIN’ REEEAL TIRED OF YOUR NONSENSE, HOLLYWOOD).
The biggest problem is that sometimes you stumble upon a guy so wonderful, so attractive, that you just can’t ignore them. Even I, with all my determination not to prey on the younger men, am not immune. And so, for your consideration, I submit to you 5 boys I would happily become a cougar for.
Just a note– this list only works if you are my age or older. Just so you know.

1. DAMIAN MCGINTY

Oh, Damo.

I am starting with the guy who broke the cougar’s back. I first fell madly in love with Damian McGinty on the first season of The Glee Project– and let me just say that if you also watched the first season of The Glee Project and you don’t also love Damo then YOU HAVE NO SOUL AT ALL.

YOU IF YOU DIDN’T LIKE DAMIAN ON TGP.

On reality TV, people tend to display the worst characteristics of human nature. Turn it into a competition and add a bunch of teenagers trying to get famous, then IT. GETS. REAL. But over that entire season, no matter what people said or did to him, Damian remained sweet, humble, positive, and always kind. After extensive and intense creeping of him, I have determined that Damian McGinty is the nicest guy ever. And as you might have guessed, since he was on a competition for singing, the boy is an absolutely fabulous singer. Like, swoon-worthy. Like, so good they broke the rules of the competition so he could be a co-winner and get to be on Glee (though I can’t speak of how awfully he was treated on that show– an absolute travesty is what it was). This is a terrible quality video but you can get an idea of just how fabulous he is here at this link.  And he just gets better– kid loves soccer. I mean, he’s from the UK so no surprise there. Oh, yeah, did I mention that? Damian is from Northern Ireland, so he HAS AN IRISH ACCENT.

Luckily Damian fulfills all of these requirements.

Damian has also used his fame to start his own recording studio in his hometown to give local singers who otherwise would probably never have a chance a shot at a recording deal. He’s also well-known for being incredibly kind and friendly to any fans he meets. Confession: Damian McGinty is the only celebrity I have ever written a fan letter to, and I AM NOT ASHAMED. That’s right, at the age of 19 I bought extra stamps in order to send a fan letter to him in Ireland. Hate on me, haters. Someday, when Damian and I are happily together, we will laugh about that.

While I am appropriately wearing this shirt.

So if you’re not on the Damian McGinty train, then shame on you. Damian McGinty is the one who taught me that cougin’ is a slippery slope, and he is the reason that there are four more boys on this list.

A big cougar pounce on you, Damian McGinty.


2. JOSH HUTCHERSON

Hiiiiii.

I mean, first of all, just look at him. On a superficial level, you just don’t get much better. But Josh Hutcherson is not just a gorgeous, drool-worthy, handsome face– he also is an awesome person. He plays what is possibly my favorite literary character of all time in the Hunger Games movies, and I think he does a superb job of doing so. There’s no one else I would want to play my beloved Peeta. Josh also loves soccer- I totally watched an interview where he said that if he wasn’t an actor he would want to be playing soccer (PERFECT). He also is involved with a lot of charity work and organizations like Straight But Not Narrow. So rock on, Josh. And even if you are younger than me, I am totally available if things don’t work out with your new lady.

A big cougar growl for you, Josh.


3. PARKER SCHNABEL

Awww, Parker.

I have mentioned in one of my posts before my large and unfortunate crush on Parker. He is one of the stars of the show Gold Rush, and he is ridiculously adorable. But I don’t just crush on Parker for that cute baby-face– I crush on Parker because he took over running a gold mine when he was 17. That’s right. SEVENTEEN. How many other boys do you know that had the maturity to run a freaking gold mine when they were 17? I like to tell myself that Parker is obviously very mature for his age, and it doesn’t matter that he’s only like 18 and I’m about to be 22. It’s totally fine. Parker took over running the gold mine from his then 91 year old grandfather, and their relationship is almost as precious as Parker’s adorable face. I love a man that’s close to his family, and Parker clearly adores his grandfather on the show.

SOOO SWEEEET

So shoutout to you, Parker Schnabel. You are probably the only person I wouldn’t mind taking the name Schnabel for. Also, having a gold mine in the family would be pretty freaking sweet.

Cougars love a man who works hard, Parker Schnabel.

4. & 5. JACK AND FINN HARRIES

Ahhh… there’s two of them.

If you have never heard of the Harries twins, then you are so welcome for the gift I’m giving you. These boys are ridiculously attractive, funny, talented, but also socially responsible. They gained their fame through YouTube. One of the twins, Jack, started a YouTube channel called jacksgap that eventually became enormously popular, with his brother Finn eventually becoming more and more involved. The boys have a whole host of videos of them doing anything and everything, from turning their room into a ballpit to bungee jumping naked to visiting underprivileged children on Christmas. The boys have used their newfound fame to become involved in a number of charities and to make videos over different places they have visited to draw awareness to those different causes.

THAT’S RIGHT, MY HEART IS MELTING, I WENT THERE.

They’re goofy and always ready to laugh at themselves, not to mention fantastic dressers, and again, they are British. English accents all around in their videos, guys. Best of all to me, they’re really close to each other, and as my sister is my best friend in the entire world, I totally love that. So I salute you, Jack and Finn Harries. And I would be happy to date either of you.

Seriously, though, they’re like a gift from the Cougar Gods.

So there they are, Readers. My top five boys that I could care less about their age. Sadly, I have a bad feeling there are only more to come. But I’m not embarrassed, and in case any of you boys are reading this and need a little convincing, there are 6 reasons I’d make a really great girlfriend you can take a look at. Maybe if I can manage to snag one of these fine young fellas I can start a whole new kind of Kittycat Club….

Because I am a professional, damnit.

Because I am a professional, damnit.

So I’ll just leave you all with this bit of enticement:

Ball's in your court, gentlemen.

Ball’s in your court, gentlemen.

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4 comments on “5 Boys I Would Totally Be a Cougar For

  1. Sierra M. says:

    Hah! Absolutely love this! But I agree with you on all these guys. Good thing we are small and cute! So it doesn’t give our cougar away!

  2. Kady says:

    Good choices. :D

    Ball’s in your court gentlemen… still snickering.

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