I’ve been thinking. (A dangerous pastime, I KNOW).
I know I have talked numerous times about my firmly single state, my trials and travails with boys, and how it’s a tough world out there for a single lady.
What I have also noticed is that girls who are single for a long time kind of get a bad rep. Every year, they get a little older, and the distance since the last time they had a significant other grows larger. For some girls, this time is an endless revolving door of bad dates and shady guys. For others, like myself, this is a meandering journey of cats, novels, and unrequited crushes (generally on fictional characters and celebrities). But something that all single girls (and possibly single guys? Not being a guy, I don’t know if the experience is the same) tend to have in common is this little niggling voice in their head that says, What’s wrong with me?
I hate this voice. It was especially bad when I was an underclassmen in college. So many people I knew met perfectly nice people who they clicked well with and went floating about in a haze of couple-y bliss. It seemed so easy for them, and yet I had maybe two guys express clear interest in me in college, and I didn’t know either of them very well. The boys I had a crush on were not among those two guys. Now, I am not saying that since I ended my last relationship at 16 that I have been miserably unhappy from the lack of a boyfriend. I am eternally grateful, actually, that I went through college without a boyfriend. It let me focus on school, enjoy meeting new people, and taught me how to be alone. I figured out who I was without basing it on how a boy defined me.
But the voice is insidious, and every time a guy I kind of liked started dating some other girl, I found myself wondering why not one of the boys I thought were pretty cool felt the same way about me. Did I talk too much? Did I have bad hair? (The answer to that question: yes.) Was I too awkward? (A resounding yes.) Not pretty enough? What was it about other girls that drew boys in that I lacked?
This is not a good place to be in. In fact, I’ll baldly call it a ridiculous and counterproductive place to be in. Now, obviously I’m not perfect, but I’m not awful either. As I grew and matured enormously throughout college, I started hearing this voice less. And when I did hear it asking, What is wrong with me? I started replying back- NOTHING. There was nothing wrong with me. There was nothing wrong with the boys who didn’t like me either. We just didn’t suit. I’ve mentioned before that I am very committed to the idea of soulmates, and it started to become clear to me that mine just wasn’t nearby at this time. I’ve grown to be very happy with myself and my single state, and I honestly can’t imagine myself getting married. If I’m proved wrong, that’s wonderful. If not, I truly believe that I can make a worthwhile, productive, happy life all on my own.
Let me tell you, that’s an empowering place to be in. I don’t hear the voice anymore. Instead, I hear in my head now, Why wouldn’t someone want to date me? So in honor of that new, positive voice in my head, I have compiled a list of just a few of the reasons why I would make a pretty freakin’ sweet girlfriend.
1. I Am Not Bothered By Snoring
How many times have you watched commercials for nasal strips or mouthpieces where a lady kicks a man to the couch because he won’t quit snoring? Well, if you dated me, that would never happen. I sleep every night with a man who snores like Snuffleupagus with bronchitis- my 16 year old cat, Boo.
Also, my parents both have refined snoring to an art, and anytime we spend the night in a hotel I’m treated to a masterpiece of sounds that are often hard to believe are produced by humans. So don’t worry, this awesome girlfriend will never call you out. I’ll just whip out my handy earplugs and snuggle up to my snoring cat, who will be sharing any bed I sleep in.
2. I Give the Best Back Massages Ever
No, seriously. My sister will attest to this. Whenever I get her to do me a favor, she always asks for a back massage in return. And, I don’t mean to brag, but there has been serious suggestions from people that I should look into a career in massage therapy. Need I say more?
3. I Will Never Make You Go Shopping With Me
I am being completely truthful here. I don’t really even like people going shopping with me. Shopping is very serious, especially when I go thrifting. You have to be committed to going through a whooole lot of clothes, and I don’t need someone impatiently standing around looking frustrated as I try on a thousand ugly vintage shirts in order to find one really cute button-up that I buy. I need to concentrate. If I want someone’s opinion on something, I’ll take a selfie in the dressing room and send it to my sister. In the meantime, I would actually hope that you are also interested in fashion, and are involved in working on your own style. Preferably something along the lines of this:
So I have distinct sense of style, but I will never make you care about it. Also, a recent revelation- sometimes I don’t know if I have an actual crush on some guys, or if I just have a crush on their clothes. Sounding shallow… moving on!
4. I Am Really, Really Undemanding
I am not the kind of person who loves to go out and club. Like, I really don’t like that. I also have newly discovered that I have a bit of an allergy to alcohol, so I’ll never expect you to buy me lots of drinks. I am seriously happy to spend 9 out of 10 nights at home, reading. Also, I have obviously been single a long time, so I am used to my space. And I would probably be sleeping for at least 2/5 of our relationship. Seriously, though, I could never date a guy who does not respect that I need naps. Lots of naps. Don’t bother me while I am sleeping.
I once fell asleep on the London tube. During the day. While sitting up. I just want to make sure you understand how serious I am about naps.
5. I Am Kind of Obsessed with Sports
I mean, soccer is my favorite, clearly. But I love most sports. I love hockey- I grew up going to CHL games (Blazers I will always love you, JOE BURTON 4EVAAAA). I love the NBA (THUNDERRRR). I love college basketball/football (BOOMER SOONER, BABY!!!). I like the NFL. I love tennis (two years in middle school, BOOM). I love volleyball (played for six years, what whaaat). I also enjoy softball. So if all you want to do is sit around and watch sports, well, I’ll scoot over on the couch. But you better love soccer, though. And you better not expect to watch baseball or golf. Not happenin’.
However, I hope you like mini golf, because I am alllll about that. Golf is only fun when there’s windmills and brightly colored golf balls involved.
6. I Will Make You Look Like a Professional Chef
I don’t cook, pretty much at all, so I’ll never be in the kitchen getting in your way. Instead, I’ll really let you have the chance to shine, showing off your culinary prowess for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. You’ll be able to have the opportunity to learn about things like tikka masala sauce, julienning things, and how much difference a good food processor can make. Meanwhile, I’ll be watching Chopped/Sweet Genius in the living room and yelling tips and encouragement at you.
Every once in awhile, I’ll make you an instant cake mix or some Betty Crocker muffins, just to show you that I really could do it all if I chose, but I want to let you have your moments.
So there you go, boys. Just a few of my more sterling qualities for your consideration. Honestly, the list goes on, but I don’t want to intimidate anyone.
In fact, you know what? I am so awesome, that maybe I don’t want boyfriend. I don’t need a boy to appreciate all these great things about me, because I already appreciate them so much. I’m not single because there’s something wrong, I’m single because I have such high standards.
So in conclusion, I am resolved to only accept the very best of boys. I encourage all you other single girls to do the same. I also encourage any girl in a relationship who isn’t happy, or fulfilled, to think about doing the same. Make a list of some of your best qualities, and make sure people are really appreciating them. In all seriousness, it’s important that you love yourself before you can really love someone else. I am making sure I got the first part down, and I want to really make sure any potential boyfriend would do the same.
In that vein, I want to announce that I will be requiring any boy even thinking of dating me to fill out and submit one of these:
So if you ever find yourself with that ugly, nagging little voice inside your head asking, What is wrong with me?? You just tell it, NOTHING! And remember: